Dear Mr Gym Owner
I am sick and tired of the following:

* being asked to not hog certain machines
* being expected to clear up litter after myself
* being expected to put back weights when finished
* being expected to dress appropriately in the sauna
* being expected to wipe down the multigym machines after use

In fact, I never signed up for you providing multigym equipment in the first place. When I joined in 1973 I was only ever told about free weights, and I’m sick to death of my membership fees being spent on equipment that others can use. Also, I see no financial return from my membership fee, because I continually have to buy gym kit with a smaller waistline.

Therefore, I want to leave and not have to pay for gym membership any longer. HOWEVER, I still expect to use all your facilities for nothing – because clearly you need me more than I need you. I used to run my own club (Empire Gym) many years ago, don’t you know? The fact that all the members left is neither here nor there, and anyone who doesn’t think that they wouldn’t come running back to me is clearly some sort of pinko Leftie.

Signed,

With thanks to an unknown contributor on a newspaper blog.